Yeah I work in an open bay dorm style prison. I don’t smoke, but I carry a lighter in my pocket, I’m still pretty new but I’m getting the ‘beast’ style reputation around the camp. So I still get a lot of offenders trying to test me. One thing they commonly try is, they’ll have an unlit cigarette in their mouth, and I’ll say, “that’s for LATER right?” and they always seem to say, Do you have a light on you?" and I say sure, and hand them my lighter and stand there to see how far they are willing to go. I’ve written some violations over it and it never gets old. Yet my sgt told me that I really shouldn’t be doing that, so the next time it happened, which still puzzles me why they keep doing it… I said, "I dont smoke, but I think my sgt does, and I’ll get on the radio and call a sgt to 10-10 at his conveinence, and he replies 10-4 and that usually backs them down and I get a few snickers from their buddies then I just tell the sgt to disreguard or allow them to take it a step further with the sgt who usually sets them straight. lol

I’ve grown fond of asking inmates if they need a tampon or a diaper. It normally makes my point. I have also been ‘grieved’ because i told a black inmate that he had a white mans d**k. I wouldn’t have said anything if he wasn’t flopping it around

Inmate: Why are you taking my stuff?
Me: It’s altered.
Inmate: Well, are you going to give me a confiscation sheet?
Me: If you want me to but you should know that if I write paper work about why I took this from you then I also have to write paper work that you were disciplined for having it. Then of course, that means that I have to write disciplinary sanctions for you. Do you still want a confiscation sheet?

Had an inmate get pissed off at me because I took some of his property during a cell search. He said to me, “Don’t make me drop you.” I replied, “Please man, I’ll ride you across this tier like a surf board.” Of course there was an audience, as this happened in the middle of the dayroom and the whole place erupted with laughter.

Had one inmate tell me.. “I shouldn’t be here..” I told him that nobody invited him.

Thought you might, Striker. It was all I could do to keep a straight face until I left the pod. The look on that inmates face was priceless.

I like that one sarge276

I work the graveyard shift with the psycho cases. They’ll push the intercom button and ask. “What time is it?” I ask them “Why? You got a hot date? or a bus to catch?” Talk about confusion…

FOCUS! (F*&K Off Cus Ur Stupid)

One of the funniest comebacks I remember hearing was a few years ago when I first started out in corrections. I was working with 2 other CO’s, a straight guy and a lesbian. The inmates were kinda showing out like they always do around rookies. One of the inmates said something similar to Strikers post to the male CO. The CO told him he was gonna pick up his girl, go to a nice restaurant, eat a big steak dinner, see a movie, then go back home and knock off a piece. The lesbian CO then said to the inmate, “What’s really sad is that I get more p*ssy than you do.”

Had a inmate tell me one time that he was going to show up at my house when he got out..I told him that he better hope I’m home because my wife doesn’t know when to quit pulling the trigger, I do…

Had another inmate tell me I couldn’t make him do something..then he asked me "Watcha gonna do CO..huh..watcha gonna do…I told "Here’s what I’m going to do..when i get off of shift i’m going to stop off and get a 12 pack of beer..go home order me a large pizza with everthing…and then later on in the evening me and my girlfriend are going to fuck like rabbits..what are going to do besides look at another mans hairy ass…

First thing I say to an inmate is “No, now what’s your question?”
Had one snap back with “I was gonna ask if you like women but I guess I know the answer to that one now.”
I then told him “I’m married. My wife doesn’t allow me to like women. Next question.”

You can read whatever you want into the thread. It isn’t about trading insults. All of us have “go to” responses no matter what line of work you’re in, whether they’re intentionally humorous or not. In Ohio, inmates have an official form they use for inmate to staff queries. That form is called a “kite” and an inmate is often told to fly one to a specific area (such as the business office) to get a question answered. For the new officer it sounds odd the first time the Warden comes to your post, has an inmate ask him a question, and hear the Warden tell him to “go fly a kite”. Now that’s funny right there and I don’t care who ya are.

Hummingbird, We’ll try to remember that the next time we’re supervising you….“heard ’em all”, wonder why? How many numbers do you have?

But not like your desent to our level as can be seen by your uppity resposonse that can also be seen as a insult to us. So go lay down and take a pill and let us have fun.

Heard em all. The officers I respect do not descend to the level of inmates by trading insults with them.

Inmate: I’m going to go call my lawyer!

Me: Tell him I said hi! (Said with a big smile)

Inmate: If you didn’t have that badge on.

Me: Hey, If I didn’t have this badge on, I’d be home having a beer.

inmate: you cant do that

me: I just did

Inmate: “Why do you have to be such a b***h?”

Me: “I don’t HAVE to…it’s just another perk of the job.”

I work the Special Housing Unit often and as a female paramedic in a male prison, I get a lot of inmates who think I’m just dying to watch them masturbate. My two favorite responses? (best delivered loudly enough for EVERYONE on the block to hear):

“Sir, for the last time…The Bureau of Prisons WILL NOT issue you a penis enlarger. So quit asking!”

or simply,

“Ice pack: twenty minutes on, twenty minutes off. Sign up for sick call in the morning.”

As time goes on so does the technic, for example, years ago
Inmate/perp: Yo man why you dis-ing me in front of my peps
C/O or P/O : You would hear a Cracking sound from a baton/nightstick
Todays standards are as follows:
Inmate/perp : Yo man why you dis-ing me in front of my peps
C/O or P/O : Excuse me sir, I’m sorry if I offended you, how can I help you
Inmate/perp: (in a loud voice) F U Cracker where your boss be, I needs to rap with the main man
C/O or P/O: Hold on sir, I’ll try to contact him/her on the radio for you
After of a hour of back and forth the wined up is we go home fustrated and the skippy goes to see his lawyer. Thats american justice at its best, by the way this the crap they are selling in the academy

By the way, God love you texans. Will you please secede from the union so I can move there. It’s in your state constitution. :-)

Inmate: Don’t hide behind that Badge!
Myself; This badge protects you. I like my job and if I did what I do naturally I would lose it.

Inmate: I’ll see you on the outside!1
Myself: I’m always protected and i practice more than you do! Ends with a smile and a finger gun!!

I know you are but what am I ……. I’m rubber, your glue ……

I got a chuckle thinking about the sudden silence and the looks I would get if I popped off with one of those as a response.